


Two Men and a Cabbage Baby

by GoodFrith



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Flour Baby!au, Minor James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Multi, does this count as crack, excessive use of the word cabbage, stereotypical depictions of a heterosexual relationship by teenage boys, written and edited at ungodly hours
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-01
Updated: 2017-09-01
Packaged: 2018-12-22 13:24:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11968320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoodFrith/pseuds/GoodFrith
Summary: James and Sirius are tasked with taking care of their very own enchanted flour baby for muggle studies.Sanity is misplaced, relationships are pushed to their limit, tears are shed and Remus is very very tired.





	Two Men and a Cabbage Baby

**Author's Note:**

> For RJ and Muse and all the other team aww chat loonies who inspired this.  
> (I will return and fix the spacing at a later date)

Remus, fresh out of the hospital wing, was not prepared nor willing to deal with whatever was waiting for him on his bed. What he wanted was a long nap and some soup. What he got was Sirius with a very uncharacteristic bandana on and James pouring through a book on his bed.

 

“Alright lads?” he said, almost not wanting an answer.Peter was nowhere to be seen and he was normally the first to scarper at the first sign of trouble.

 

“Moony!” Sirius proclaimed and Remus found himself swept up in a hug.

 

“Careful!” He hissed when Sirius squeezed too hard on his bruised ribs.

 

Sirius retreated hastily, eyeing him. “How are you feeling?”

 

From this distance Remus noticed bags under Sirius’ eyes that hadn’t been there before. He hummed. “Three days fixed me right up. Mostly.”

 

He turned to lie down on his bed and was promptly reminded that it was inhabited.

 

“Sirius...” he started to ask but before he could, whatever it was, rolled over.

 

Remus looked down in horror, as a chubby baby face peered out at him from the heart of the cabbage. Had this not occurred at Hogwarts, he would have had serious doubts about his sanity. As it was, he questioned the next best thing: Sirius.

 

“What the fuck is that and why is it on my bed?”

 

It burbled at him and Remus took a step back. Even its eyes were green.

 

A gasp came from the other side of the room.

 

“How dare you!” James jumped off his bed, looking hurt and joined the other two at the bedside. “ _That_ is our son.” He cooed, looking down.

 

“Yes.” Sirius sniffed from behind. “You’d better take care not to refer to our son in that manner again.”

 

Never mind the setting, Remus was _definitely_ questioning his sanity.

 

“Ok.” he said slowly. “But why is it on my bed?” He chanced another look down at the cabbage and it blinked at him. He looked away.

 

“Well. It was the only free bed.” Sirius said, matter of factly.

 

“What about Peter’s?”

 

“He _was_ sleeping here, until last night.” James chimed in.

 

Remus smelled a lie. Especially when James wouldn’t make eye contact. “Why?”

 

“...Because of the crying.”

 

“All night?”

 

“Only some of the night.” Sirius offered.

 

Fearing his two best friends had been jinxed or that this was all some slow moving prank, Remus continued asking questions while he planned an escape back to the hospital wing.

 

“How long is the... little bundle of joy staying with us for?”

 

“It’s a flouring baby for muggle studies.” James said, leaning on the bed. He snaked an arm protectively around the cabbage.

 

“A flour baby?” Remus braced himself in anticipation of multitudes of these things popping up around the school.

 

“That’s what I said.” James frowned at him over his wireframes.

 

Having used up the last of his energy and his patience, Remus decided urgent action was in order. Putting a hand to his ribs, he hissed, leaning into himself.

 

“Moony?” Sirius’ hand came up to cup his elbow, concerned.

 

“My ribs are throbbing. I need to lie down.” He muttered, keeping his eyes closed and praying they wouldn’t see through him. It was a cheap move but it wasn’t like it was a total lie. His ribs really were throbbing.

 

“James, take Elvendork off the bed. Moony needs to rest.” Sirius said sharply.

 

Remus peeked an eye open and watched as James wrapped a soft yellow blanket around the cabbage and lifted it off the bed. “C’mon poppet. Let’s go and see auntie Lily.”

 

He hoped, as he lay down, that when he woke up all of this would be gone. After Remus was settled between the sheets, Sirius drew the covers up onto his chest and kissed him gently, his hair curtaining out the light for a moment.

 

“How long?” Remus asked him.

 

“Not long. Another five days.” He replied and pressed a kiss to his forehead.

 

Remus, unfortunately knew better than to let himself be reassured.

 

* * *

 

 

 

When he woke up again, it was to the sound of Peter edging the door of the dorm open. He locked eyes with Remus, looking ratty and nervous as ever.

 

“Is it gone?” he whispered.

 

Remus sat up, wide eyed. “Oh god. I thought that was a fever dream.”

 

Peter closed the door and clambered up onto the bed, careful to avoid Remus’ splayed legs.

 

“It's true.” He said grimly. “I can’t sleep here with it. Its terrifying! Did you know it talks?”

 

Remus suppressed a shudder. Peter looked haunted about the eyes at the mention of it and he grabbed him by the shoulders, ignoring his protesting ribs.

 

“It’s alright. You're not alone anymore, we’ll get through this together.”

 

“I’m so glad you’re back. Things were starting to get weird.”

 

“Weird how?” Remus asked.

* * *

 

Weird how, Remus quickly learned, was very weird indeed and it was only the beginning.

 

That night, none of them slept. The cabbage woke up screaming every other hour, almost like clockwork. It was charmed to resist silencio charms and to pervade any muffling charms on bed curtains. This meant the appearance of three very tired marauders at breakfast the next morning.

 

Three very tired marauders and a cabbage, Remus amended, watching James pour orange juice into his porridge. Sirius was walking up and down along the Gryffindor bench, bouncing the cabbage in his arms. Every few minutes the “baby” would squeak unhappily and Sirius would murmur to it, often in french.

 

“Hush now mon petit chou. C’est bon.” He would say, looking down into the folds of its face.

 

Remus didn’t find the mon chou joke funny in the slightest. This entire situation was costing him sleep he already lacked.

 

“He's fussy James. He won't eat.” Sirius said, having only managed to eat a slice of toast himself before the demonic thing had started crying again.

James dropped his spoon as if he’d forgotten about it. “Is he drinking?” His glasses magnified his already wide eyes ridiculously.

 

“Yes, at least.” Sirius wiggled a bottle of water, eying the contents.

 

 _It's a sodding cabbage_ , Remus had wanted to shout, _of course it’s not going to eat._ He did not voice this helpful fact. Instead, he signalled to Peter and they headed quietly off to class.

 

Mercifully, the enchanted vegetable children (oh there were others!) were banned from classes. For once in their lives, lessons became a sort of sanctuary for overwrought students. That was until, five days into parenthood, class time became naptime.

 

Remus had taken refuge in the hospital wing whilst Peter had joined the multitudes camping out in the common room, fleeing their vegetable infested dorms. This gave them some chance of getting a few winks. The parents however were not so lucky. In this particular class, Sirius had hardly sat down before he was asleep and James’ notes looked less like notes and more like abstract squiggles.

 

McGonagall had clearly not been informed of the muggle studies psychological torture assignment because she regarded James and Sirius’ sleeping forms with her usual level of derision.

 

“Mr Black, Mr Potter, is my lesson boring you?” she asked primly.

 

There was no reply. As Remus had been thrown out of his room indefinitely, he did not kick either of them awake. It probably wouldn't have made much of a difference anyway.

 

When calling on them a second time failed, McGonagall tapped each of them with her wand. They jolted up, as if electrocuted.

 

“Good morning gentlemen, kind of you to finally join us.”

 

In an exceptional turn of events, neither of them piped up with a witty reply. A sleepy blink from both of them was about the extent of an answer. They looked rather like owls in their stupor, Remus thought.

 

“Are you two quite well?” She asked, brow furrowed the tiniest bit under the bar of her glasses.

 

“Sorry professor. The baby’s been keeping us up.” James mumbled, rubbing his eye.

 

“Baby?” She seemed alarmed, but before she could get any ideas about teenage pregnancies or kidnapping, another dazed looking student chimed in.

 

“Flour babies, professor. For muggle studies.”

McGonagall’s mouth got very thin and Remus suspected Professor Woodcroft would be hearing her thoughts about this very soon.

 

“You two and anyone else suffering from the joys of parenthood, please take this as an opportunity to catch up on your sleep. Dismissed.” She announced.

 

When half the class stood, she narrowed her eyes minutely. “Parents only.” she amended.

 

There was hardly a sound as the smaller group stumbled out of the room. Even McGonagall looked perturbed.

 

Remus would love to have said the sleep deprivation was the worst of it but it was only the tip of the iceberg.

 

* * *

 

One afternoon, while they were doing homework in the common room, the cabbage said its first words.

 

“Mama.” It had announced and Sirius had gathered it up and wept openly. Worse even than that perhaps, were the other “mums and dads” who came over to congratulate or offer tips. Biting his tongue, Remus turned away only to spot James whimpering on the other side of the couch about how “they grow up so fast.” He’d then forced Remus to shake his hand for some unfathomable reason.

 

With the vegetable children apparently developing -if only in the eyes of their parents- Remus expected that he might at least be able to return to his own bed. He was harshly reminded of Murphy’s law when he chanced a foray into the dorm later that day. He found Sirius was wrapping rollers into his hair in a rather haphazard manner, tears in his eyes. The cabbage at least, was blessedly absent.

 

It took several frenzied minutes for Sirius to notice him, but when he did Remus became the sole focus of his manic energy.

 

“Remus.” He sniffed. “ Do you think I’m pretty?”

 

Remus cupped Sirius’ cheeks in his hands, hoping to ground him in some level of sanity. He ran his thumbs over the tear tracks.

 

“What’s wrong Pads?” He asked, trying valianty to ignore the rollers.

 

“It’s just well... I think James is having an affair. He’s left me with the baby the last three nights and he says he’s at quidditch training but I don't think that’s true. He never used to lie to me.” Pausing only for a shaky inhale he continued, slightly more manic. “Does he not know what a catch I am? What does this other woman have that I don't?”

 

The spiel came out in an increasingly hysterical flood and it had begun to look as if Sirius was succumbing to his family’s infamous instability once and for all. Even Remus, for once, was rendered speechless.

 

Then Sirius’ eyes cleared and he stared at Remus with a different sort of intensity. “Merlin Remus, you’ve got to help me. I’m turning into my mother.”

 

Remus, perhaps a little sleep deprived himself, began to laugh hysterically. After a moment of stunned silence, Sirius joined him in breathless laughter.

 

“Come to bed.” Remus said when they eventually calmed down. “You need to sleep.”

 

In spite of his flirty comments, Sirius was dead to the world the minute he was horizontal. Remus, as seemed to be the way of it, followed.

* * *

 

Despite Remus’ best efforts to remind Sirius that he was a seventeen year old boy and not the worst possible Stereotype of a 1950’s housewife, the madness continued to intensify. For one, the cabbage had begun to speak more coherent words. It had consequently also begun to appear in Remus’ nightmares.

 

More important and more worrying however was James. He had reached the end of what little sanity he had every arguably possessed when the cabbage shed one of its outer leaves in the night. He carried the cabbage around like a paranoid chaser in enemy airspace. He wouldn't even let Lily hold it.

 

Remus was to have his own small intervention with James in the dormitory the following night. He’d happened upon him, curled around the cabbage on the floor, shaking. He took a moment to remind himself that there were only three days left of this madness to survive and crouched down next to him, wary.

 

“James? Are you alright?” He asked gently.

 

Remus dropped a hand onto James’ shoulder in what he hoped was a soothing gesture. As soon as his hand made contact however James jolted hard enough to send them both sprawling onto the floor. When they righted themselves somewhat, James wiped his nose on the sleeve of his jersey and turned to Remus. He had the cabbage pressed into his chest, Remus suspected it was second nature to him, being a chaser. He stared hopelessly at him from behind his murky glasses. Remus had to suppress the creeping feeling of deja vu.

 

“I can’t do this anymore Remus.” He said.

 

Remus thought this was an excellent decision and was ready to congratulate him.

 

“I mean,” James continued, that familiar note of panic rising in his voice. “What was I thinking? I can’t support a family on a quidditch players salary! What if I get injured?”

 

Thrown, Remus blinked at him. James seemed to take it as encouragement.

 

“I’m leaving Sirius. I don't know why I thought this marriage was a good idea.”

 

“But... think of the child.” Remus found himself saying.

 

“I know.” James whimpered. “I’m a bad father.”

 

By the time he lifted his sleeve to wipe his nose again, Remus had already gone to fetch Lily, James’ only real chance at a wife. If she couldn’t fix this, she might as well see it. It was only fair to prepare her for the future.

* * *

In an attempt to wrest Sirius back from the clutches of the cabbage baby, Remus had lured him into one of the more secluded broom cupboards on the third floor. While the fear of turning into his mother had startled Sirius back into himself somewhat, the situation was still dire. There was more than one way to bring a man back to his senses. It just so happened that a good snogging session was the most attractive method.

 

He had Sirius squashing him up against the wall, a knee between his legs. They were both out of breath, slick lipped and panting. Remus knotted a hand in Sirius’ hair, relishing the little whine it produced. Sirius’ hands were pressed against his hips, thumbs dipping just under his belt and by his estimation, heading lower, when the door behind them was thrown open.

 

James stood in the frame, the fucking cabbage in one hand and the map crumpled in the other.

 

“There you are!” he said.

 

Remus tipped his head back against the wall _hard_ and tried to take deep breaths.

 

“Elvie has been calling for you for the last hour. Do you even care that he’s losing his leaves? Clearly not, if I find you here like this while our son is dying!”

 

“James...” Sirius said, hoarsely.

 

James tipped the cabbage into Sirius’ arms and stalked off down the corridor. Sirius trailed him, penitent. He didn't look back.

 

Remus did not follow immediately. Instead he took a moment in the darkness of the cupboard to compose himself and to remember that he wasn’t _actually_ having an affair.

* * *

 

Things came to a head that night with less than twelve hours to go. Looking back, Remus decided that perhaps it was all for the best.

 

Needless to say, the appearance of the green menace had utterly ruined the mood and Remus was left to follow his friends. By the time he had reached their room, the cabbage was screeching and both boys were wrestling weakly on the floor. Remus reached down and pulled them apart. He shook them for good measure.

 

“What has gotten into you two?” It was mostly rhetorical.

 

Before he could continue his frustrated tirade or even knock their heads together, Peter appeared from downstairs.

 

“What is going on up here?” He said and even he seemed exasperated. They hadn’t seen much of Peter lately. He gave the cabbage baby an even wider berth than Remus.

 

James chose that moment to tear himself out of Remus’ hold. It looked like he might still be wearing the snotty jersey from a few days ago.

 

“Our child!” James shouted. “Is _dying_ and Sirius is too busy getting off in a cupboard with this slag to care. I’m cracking under the stress. I don't know what to do anymore.” All of this was addressed to Peter, except for the part about Remus being a slag, which merited finger pointing.

 

The cabbage, which had gone quiet at Peter’s outburst, made a noise that everyone ignored.

 

Sirius made to go for James again but Remus held him fast.

 

“Look.” Remus said, teeth grinding together. “I’m not involved in this weird little soap opera family setup but, at the same time, a _slag_? Sirius was my boyfriend before he ever got involved with you and that thing!”

 

Sirius clasped Remus’ hand in his own, decisively. “Don't drag him into this.” He hissed “Especially not when you’ve not been quite so faithful yourself.”

 

James stared.

 

“Thats right. I know all about you and Evans.”

 

Peter, as this argument progressed had tried and failed to get their attention as the volume raised.

 

“ALL OF YOU!” Peter roared eventually, red faced.

 

All three boys turned to look at him. He was standing at the open window of the tower, the cabbage burbling between his raised hands.

 

“Peter... what are you doing?” James gasped.

 

“Now Peter. Let’s not be hasty.” Remus said, evenly.

 

“Hasty?” Peter laughed. “I haven’t had a decent sleep for over a week! This ends here.”

 

Before any of them could move, Peter turned and hurled the cabbage out the window, breathing hard.

 

Sirius and James ran to the window, screaming.

 

It was too late. When Remus joined them, seconds later, he could see the smashed green remains strewn across one of the lower rooves. He felt only profound relief.

 

Peter had calmed his breathing but his face was still quite red. He pulled his shirt down over his stomach and tried for a smile. Remus returned it.

 

Sirius meanwhile, had crumpled into a heap under the windowsill, wailing. James turned to Peter with vicious tears in his eyes. “How could you.” he snarled.

 

Now didn’t quite seem like the time to remind them that it was only an enchanted cabbage. Gently, James scooped Sirius up off of the floor and they held each other as they cried, vowing to bury Elvie later.

 

In actual fact, they wore themselves out crying and slept for twelve hours straight. Two days later, a general aversion to cabbage seemed to be the only lingering trauma.

 

“That was all a bit weird wasn’t it.” James said lightly at breakfast, one blessedly cabbage free morning.

 

Peter and Remus paused their respective breakfasts and shared a weary glance across the table.

 

“A bit.” Remus conceded.

 

“Yeah.” Peter offered.

 

And that was the end of it, really.

**Author's Note:**

> If you enjoyed in any way please consider leaving a kudos!


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